Brussels Sprouts All The Way Down

"Equal and Opposite Reactions"
By Patti Liszkay
 NOW ONLY $3.99 ON AMAZON KINDLE
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"Equal and Opposite Reactions is a rollicking good yarn about complex relationships and emotions in middle-class American culture. The author has created an incredibly funny romantic comedy, which transcends the ubiquitous romantic triangle and expands it into a quadrangle, complicated by the interweaving of relationships between the children of the principal characters.  Cleverly plotted, twists and turns, and exceptionally well written, this part drama and part slapstick comedy is a tour-de-force. Bravo Patti."
- R. Bruce Logan, "The Narrative Arc"

Brussels Sprouts All The Way Down

     THE FOLLOWING  IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT:

      If you happen to be in Kroger's in the healthful chip aisle, do NOT buy this product:

   If, by chance, you have already bought the above product, do not open the bag, do not remove the contents, and, above all, DO NOT EAT ANY!
    If, however, you have had the misfortune of buying the product, opening the bag, removing the contents,

...which look like this,

...and actually putting one of these noxious little entities into your mouth, as I did,

...may God have mercy on your soul.
     Or rather your stomach.

     My own most dreadful gustatory experience began yesterday afternoon when I was in Kroger’s looking for a snack to take along on my upcoming plane trip (see post from 1/22/2019, “My New Fear of Flying) and I decided to check the organic section to see if there might be anything available of a semi-healthy yet tasty non-perishable variety.
     I was intrigued by the bag of Popcorners Flourish Harvest Kale Veggie Crisps,

..with chickpeas, rice & brussels sprouts.

 30 crisps had only 100 calories,

... with the benefit of protein, dietary fiber and trace bits of vegetables.

    And besides, I like kale and I like chick peas, and rice is benign enough. But I like brussels sprouts even better:

    I’ll steam a bag of Kroger's frozen brussels sprouts in the microwave ‘til they’re just al dente then season them with salt,

...and eat them dipped in Hellman’s Dijonnaise mustard.

     The critical element in the preparation of brussels sprouts is to zap the sprouts until they’re just crisp-tender, and not cook them until they’re all mushy, smelly, and gross.
      Actually there’s about a minute before the sprouts pass from one state to the next.
    This being the reality of brussels sprouts, I should have been suspicious of any process by which they are baked into a chip. But I wasn’t. I wanted too much to believe that there could be a healthful and delicious chip that incorporated the essence of brussels sprout at its best.
      And so I bought the bag of veggie crisps and went on my way, blissfully unaware of what lay in store when I arrived home, tore open the bag and, like Eve proffering Adam the evil apple, invited Tom to join me in a Harvest Kale veggie crisp with chick peas, rice, & brussels sprouts.
       We each popped a crisp, and before I had the chance to squeal "Ewwwww!" Tom was bent over the kitchen trash can spitting out his crisp. Unfortunately for me, I swallowed mine.
     It tasted so bad. The offending taste was overwhelmingly that of brussels sprout. Very bad brussels sprout. I've since tried eating a variety of foods from sweet to salty to kill the lingering brussels sprout taste and yet the taste lingers still. But only when I think about it.
         I don't believe I'll ever be able to eat  another brussels sprout with Dijonnaise.
        Epilogue:
        Later that day Tom returned the reminder of those vile crisps back to Kroger's for a refund. He  impressed upon the customer service lady how terrible the crisps tasted. He stressed to her that when the remaining bags of crisps were removed from the shelf - which they doubtless will be soon, very soon - these items should NOT be donated to the local food pantry, but burned.
         The customer service lady laughed.