Fifty Shades Of Grey Hair
A Dramatic Conception
Cast of Characters: Christian, Anastasia, Payne, TV Announcer
Setting: A living room
ANASTASIA, dressed in a house coat, hair-net and slippers, sits in front of a TV set.
CHRISTIAN, dressed in a flannel shirt, high-waisted pants and white tennis shoes, wanders around the room carrying a stick with a long crepe-paper streamer tied to it.
CHRISTIAN: Anastasia! Where’s my bifocals? And where’s my whip?
ANASTASIA: Oh, go whip yourself, Christian! I’m watching ‘The Price Is Right!’
(Christian mumbles irritably, looking around the room)
(Enter PAYNE, stage left))
PAYNE: What are you two bickering about now?
ANASTASIA: Payne, go help your father find his bifocals and his whip.
PAYNE: (Sighs) Dad, you’re wearing your glasses, and…Aw, what’s this? (Takes the crepe-paper stick whip from Christian, holds it up). “Really, Dad?”
CHRISTIAN: I exercise control in all things.
ANASTASIA: Not anymore, Mister! Payne, run out to the store, we’re all out of Depends!
(Christian starts taking off his shirt)
PAYNE: (Sighs) Fine! Dad, would you please not take off your shirt right now?
CHRISTIAN: But I want to play the piano!
ANASTASIA: Oh, put on your shirt, you're not playing that piano right now! It's almost time for the Showcase Showdown!
(Christian stands in front of the TV, blocking Anastasia's view)
CHRISTIAN: I said I exercise control in all things!
ANASTASIA (Stands up): If you don't move your butt from in front of that TV I'll smack you one!
CHRISTIAN (Moves up close to her): Maybe I'd like you to smack me one, Mother!
ANASTASIA (Moves closer to him): Maybe I'd like you to smack me one, Dad!
(The two of them reach around each other, trying to smack each others' butts)
ANASTASIA & CHRISTIAN: Oh, yes, oh yes, oh yes!
(Payne gets between them, moves them apart)
PAYNE: WOULD YOU TWO PLEASE STOP IT!!!? Geeze, you're crazy! Both of you!
ANASTASIA: We most certainly are not, young man! We're perfectly normal, aren't we, Daddy?
CHRISTIAN: We certainly are. We're perfectly normal. Always have been.
PAYNE: No, you've always been a couple of nut cases, the both of you!
ANASTASIA: That is no way to talk to your parents! Go to your room right now, young man!
CHRISTIAN: Do as your mother says!
PAYNE: What? I'm fifty-two years old! This is my house! You can't send me to my room!
ANASTASIA (Sweetly): Oh, now, Payney, we just want you to go to your room because we have a surprise for you.
CHRISTIAN: That's right, Son. While you were out we had your room painted. Go look at it.
PAYNE: What? Oh, no, not again! (Payne hurries away, exits stage right, immediately returns) Holy Crow, how many times do I have to tell you, quit painting my room red! Oh, I give up!
ANASTASIA: Payney, dear, why don't you run off to the store now?
PAYNE: I'm leaving, I'm leaving! Here! (Hands Christian back his whip and heads towards the stage left exit).
ANASTASIA (calling to Payne): Where are you going, Krogers?
PAYNE (Stops, turns back): No, the A&P.
CHRISTIAN (Chuckling proudly): That's my boy! Laters, Son!
(Payne exits stage left)
(Christian snuggles his nose against Anastasia's cheek as he strokes his whip.
CHRISTIAN: How about a little A&P right now, Mother?
ANASTASIA (Giggling): Well, as long as I can watch the Showcase Showdown.
CHRISTIAN: However you want it.
(Anastasia sits back down in her chair and watches the TV. Christian begins swinging the crepe-paper streamer against the back of the chair, continues swinging at the chair and grunting until the end of the scene)
TV ANNOUNCER: Let's pull back the curtain and see what's in store for our lucky winner!
TV ANNOUNCER: This Swish 'n Swirl front, back, and side-loading microwave washing machine!
ANASTASIA: Oh, yes!
TV ANNOUNCER: And this 250-Inch glow-in-the dark Hamflung flat-screen TV and toaster oven!
ANASTASIA: Oh, oh, more!
TV ANNOUNCER: And this Muscle-Boy super-sonic lawn mower with window-washing and gutter-cleaning attachment!
ANASTASIA: Don't stop! Don't stop!
TV ANNOUNCER: And these beautiful his 'n hers Toto jet-spray ultra-soft-seat custom toilets!
ANASTASIA: Oh, oh, oh....
(Lights out to the sound of game-show music)